Has it ever struck you that we have known hurt ever since the day
we were born? Each time we hurt, it's like the first time. A
present experience of hurt blocks out all previous experiences - any
sort of hurt we have RIGHT NOW is the worst we've EVER had - interesting,
isn't it?
Two men are working on a building site, a kilometer apart. One man,
at his workplace, hits his finger with a hammer - over the other side,
another man breaks his leg falling down a hole. The two instances
occur separately, each man is unknown to the other, & yet for both
men, what is happening to them is the WORST thing that could be happening.
The man who slams his finger with the hammer doesn't think, in the
middle of his pain: "Oh! - thank goodness it isn't a broken leg!"
any more than the other man feels grateful that it's his leg that's
broken, & not his neck. Such reflections may well arise later, but
in the primary moment of pain, there's a perceptual blocking, a shut-down;
immediate thoughts centre on the experience of pain, not somewhere
beyond it.
Our experience of suffering is often tied up with a question - the
question not only expresses our reaction to suffering, but also illustrates
the confusion that goes with it. Hundreds of children get killed in
a school-holiday plane crash. All their parents throw up their arms
in despair & cry out: "WHY?" They demand to know from the plane company
WHY the plane crashed; WHY was that particular pilot allowed to fly
the plane? They ask the travel company WHY they didn't prevent the
accident, they ask their religious leaders WHY God allowed all their
children to die, & they ask themselves WHY must WE be the parents
to suffer? WHY did OUR child die?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
The question "why?" is also a statement - "I don't understand" We
don't understand, therefore we are confused, & due to this confusion,
we suffer. According to The Buddha, this non-understanding is the
root & cause of ALL our suffering. He further asserted that if we
could locate the CAUSE of our suffering, then the understanding that
arises as a result would dissipate it. On first reading, this strikes
us as a good strategy, so we set out to "find" this suffering; we
mount a "search-&-destroy" mission. We are going to be disappointed.
The experience of suffering is part of our INNER processing, & we
must abandon all ideas about "isolating" our experience. We can't
wheel our experience of suffering into a side-ward & turn off its
life-support machine. Such ideation is itself a product of ignorance,
of suffering. Trying to use the suffering process to "find" the process
is like trying to see our own eye or eat our own mouth - it won't
help to approach the dilemma of suffering in this way.
Years ago I used to get a bit frustrated with my teacher for seeming
to "leave me in the air". I was looking for "The Answer" & he wouldn't
give it to me: I used to think he was playing a cruel game, holding-out
on me. It took me a long time to finally learn that there's NO ANSWER
that ANY teacher can give me, & any teacher who CAN shouldn't be trusted.
Back at the turn of the '80's, I was sitting in an apartment in
London, watching TV. A film was broadcast that still stands in my
mind as one of the most profound that I have ever seen. The film was
made possible through the remarkable advances that had been made in
fibre-optic photography, & the subject of the film was the journey
of a human sperm.
The film opened with a couple in bed, making love. The scene then
cuts to the inner shaft of the penis, & the sperm is seen rushing
towards the camera in a great, white wall. The next scene is taken
inside the female, where millions of sperms, looking for all the world
like little tadpoles, start rushing about in a disordered mass, eventually
taking up some sense of direction & commencing on their great journey.
Countless images arose in my mind as I watched this; I thought of
the mass - start on the Tour de France, I thought of the start of
the London Marathon, I thought of the way all of us, in our millions,
embark upon this great journey over & over again throughout our lives.
Just as will occur when life takes on an external form in the shape
of an apparently separate human being, all these little sperms had
their own stories to tell on their journey to the Great Egg. Some
just ran out of steam & died very early in the race; the effort of
just swimming a little way killed them. Others showed no sense of
direction whatsoever, whizzing round & round in circles like tiny
Catherine wheels, they also ceased in death.
Others, encountering blood vessels, seemed to "imagine" that they
had already reached the egg, & were attempting to ram their way through
the walls. It was stunning to watch this process - it was the whole
of life, right there, spelled-out in the way these sperms were behaving
- the weakness & death, the confusion, the mistakenness - & also the
burning determination to live. Through all the struggles, past all
those who fell along the way, there were a precious few who finally
broke clear of the mass & were locked in the final contention. Arriving
at the outer environs of the egg, sperms were still dropping out along
the way, until eventually there was one. One - one out of millions,
making the final, greatest journey of all. What I saw at this point
in the film I simply couldn't believe. The sperm now entered outer
space. The womb - a universe - a vast darkness, spangled with stars,
some burning large & nearby, some pinpoints of light in the far, far
distance. Occasionally, comet-like streaks traversed this great firmament,
& there, in the centre, the great ovum, turning very slowly upon its
axis. Bright, like the sun, on its surface glittered small protrusions
of multi-coloured crystal. Long, slender fingers of glass stretched
from the surface far out into space. Shooting through this vastness,
tiny in comparison, was this one surviving sperm. It didn't stop,
didn't attempt to make a soft landing upon this breathtakingly beautiful
planet, but flew like an arrow, plunging to its death, swallowed up
in folds of light.
I have described this film because in so doing, I ask a question
- is THAT where it all starts? Is THAT the moment when this basic
anxiety first makes its appearance in the life process? I say THE
life process, not "mine" or "yours", because this anxiety, this restless
dissatisfaction, appears to be part of the process itself, present
wherever life is present.
The Tibetans believe that in order for there to be a being, three
elements have to be present & combining: egg, sperm, & consciousness.
When human beings come together in the act of procreation, if one
of these elements is absent, no being will be instantiated. Even when
both beings are fully potent, & sexual intercourse is occurring frequently
with no contraception involved, these circumstances in themselves
do not guarantee pregnancy. "Oh, they've been trying for months to
have a baby - they've both been for tests, there's nothing wrong with
either of them that way, but it doesn't seem to be happening for them!"
- We've heard comments like that before. The Tibetans see no mystery
- conditions are simply not conducive for the appearance of a being.
So when conditions ARE conducive, when these elements DO combine
successfully, is THAT where the anxiety, the dissatisfaction, "dukkha"
- originates? Is the very act of combination itself one of anxiety?
- Perhaps it occurs much later, when the baby in the womb is substantially
formed, present to the point where it will kick out. The Tibetans
claim that the very presence of a being in the womb is one of suffering.
Confined, helplessly subject to whatever conditions mother creates.
Mother is very much the creator of the baby's environment, the ruler
of its world. If mother eats sensibly & lives a life in harmony with
her condition, the child's immediate sufferings will not be compounded;
but what if mother drinks alcohol? Smokes cigarettes? Injects heroin
into her system? What if mother contracts some deadly disease? Overeats
- or starves? What if mother is subject to physical abuse - beatings,
or worse? What of the millions of mental states that arise & dissolve
in the mother's consciousness? - is the child capable of living separately
from all these physical & mental phenomena? - & if not, is THAT where
the anxiety begins?
Perhaps the child's womb-consciousness is one of the ever-present
potential of its own helplessness; perhaps that consciousness forms
the inceptive, primary anxiety, & in that anxiety the infant kicks
- lashes out. "Oh Johnny! - Come & feel! - The baby's kicking, it's
kicking!" In that first registration of movement from within the womb,
is the anxiety then present to colour, forever after, the life experience?
- Not always on high levels, of course. In the majority of our living
moments, anxiety is present in the background, a dull but persistent
humming - like next door's air-condition unit that can be heard at
night through the bedroom wall. The Tibetans' analysis of the natal
state includes the birth itself, which is likened to "being squeezed
between two great mountains" followed by traumatic ejection into a
transformed environment that takes the being completely by surprise.
Suddenly thrust into the cold, breathing air for the first time; gone
is any memory of the womb-life, so total is this new experience.
Now present, in the full witness of others, a BEING. Now present,
the very first experience of "separateness". The baby no longer an
idea in other people's heads; "Mother" is no longer Mrs Matthews,
with a big tummy & an ache in her back. In birth, all that is cancelled-out.
No-one, sitting around, taking in the sight of this "new" mother cradling
her baby in her arms remembers the woman with a big tummy & an ache
in her back - not even mother herself.
Is THAT where it all begins? The first gulp of cold, outside air?
The first awareness of OTHERS; beings with flashing, bright things
that open & close, with shiny objects inside that dart from side to
side. A strange, wet, pink hole that opens, revealing an inner darkness,
& out of which pours a rippling, gurgling sound. It's frightening.
In fear, the baby cries out, & there is that gurgling sound again,
coming from more of the pink, wet holes, this time louder, more rapid,
more insistent. Even more frightened, the baby cries out louder still,
& the gurgling gets louder - & for the first time, the child learns
what it feels like to be laughed-at for being afraid.
Is THAT the moment? Is THAT the origin of anxiety, of suffering?
Certainly for ever afterwards, the anxiety & suffering go on, arising
& descending in different states & intensities of experience. The
anxiety that is felt over dropping a raw egg on the kitchen floor
is different from the anxiety experienced when it's discovered that
the car has been stolen. The anxiety felt over wondering what the
annual bonus will be this year is different from being fired from
the job. The anxiety felt by a husband whose wife learns that he's
slept with another woman is different from the anxiety he feels when
HE learns that she's slept with another man.
We see all these states of anxiety as different, but they're not
- they're all the same. When we observe the moon dipping in & out
of the clouds, despite appearances, we KNOW that the moon isn't actually
appearing & disappearing in the sky, it's there all the time, simply
being hidden & revealed alternately. Right now, we have that "old"
anxiety about the spouse, the kids, the house, the job, but as we
get older, that anxiety seems to become something new, something we
hadn't bargained on. My parents used to say: "That's what getting
old is - one day, you look around, & all the cops are kids!" It goes
deeper than that - deeper than cops & kids & air-con units. It goes
so deep that if we actually start to follow it down, it gets scary.
Issues like sex & death come up, & suddenly we don't want to follow
it down anymore - we turn our eyes away - we stop looking.
It's not just the cops who look like kids - now, EVERY man & woman
looks like a kid, & dealing with that perception brings its own anxiety.
A man senses himself growing more uneasy as he notices the women getting
younger all the time. He watches them in the street, he sees particular
women that he's specifically attracted to. He feels the same about
what he sees as he always did, but there's a new edge to everything
that he just doesn't seem able to get a grip on - all these young
women might as well be living behind plate-glass. He asks himself
why he has suddenly become so shy - it never used to be like that,
he was always very successful with women. He checks his reflection
in the shop window - he looks cool, so what's the problem? He approaches
two young women hanging-out at a coffee stall - they giggle, hide
their mouths with their hands, hurry away down the street. The man
is left, standing alone on the pavement. 55 years old; in his Elvis
Presley clothes, he's just another silly old fool.
Women have similar agonies. Small signs bring brief chills - like
the first winter wind felt in the mountains on a late summer evening.
The skin doesn't tighten after a shower the way it used to. Sitting
at the dressing table one morning, there are suddenly more grey hairs
than can be successfully plucked out with tweezers. The first time
she notices it she remedies the matter by dyeing her hair, & it's
wonderful! It's all that was needed - it's given her back 10 years
at least! She's so relieved. Boys are still interested too, & being
that little bit older is OK, it gives her the edge for the first time.
She's a real, full-blown woman, & the boys feel good about that. The
relationships have their limitations, however. Going to the boyfriend's
parties can get a bit tricky; when she sees them all together like
that, she realises how young all his friends actually are, & up against
his friends for the first time, there's something about HER that the
boyfriend notices, too.
Time passes - & now the dyed-hair makes her look a bit severe. She
tries softening things down a bit by applying more make-up, in a different
style. In time, things slip a bit more, so she applies MORE make-up.
In the end, she looks like a cartoon, but the boys aren't laughing.
If she just ignores things, she gets more spooky - if she surrenders,
she just gets old.
The scenarios of suffering pass endlessly, & attempting to hold
them down in order to deal with them is the ultimate futility. We
can't successfully escape from the situations that terrify us because
in actuality, they don't exist, any more than the lake exists that
I see in the desert - it's a mirage. If I refuse to accept that, I
can drive all day in the direction of the lake but I'll never reach
it, because it just isn't there. If, faced with our pain, we just
adopt a denial strategy, or take refuge in some form of indifference,
we're just putting a new spin on the old anxiety, we're no nearer
a workable solution. Attempting to replace "wrong views" with "right
views" won't work either, because we're just "inventing", & our inventions
are proceeding from a faulty experiential base.
The basic question persists - "At what point did all this anxiety,
all this suffering, START in my life?" Addressing the overall picture
might be more useful than focusing on the personal aspect all the
time. Human beings share a commonality of experience - the same hope,
the same fears, love, hate, loss, gain, & so on. In groups, at movies,
ball-games, & the like, human beings can be observed responding to
various moments in the film or game with the same exclamations & patterns
of behaviour. Why is that? Is it to do with the fact that all human
beings are the same basic animal, that there is only a set range of
responses that ARE possible? It's partly that, but it's also to do
with the forms that our social conditioning have taken, which involves
more than just what sort of school we went to.
Outside of any influence our parents have had upon the way we view
things & the way we feel & respond to them, we must also consider
the part played by state legislature, central government, church,
synagogue, temple, mosque, the media in all its forms, our immediate
peer group & all others we have ever come into contact with. We are
being constantly "persuaded" in millions of different ways in each
moment of our lives. Architecture, for example, plays a major role
in the ways in which we perceive our environment. Emotional response-patterns
can be linked directly to the ways in which buildings appear to us.
Consider the appearance of the Bates' house in the film "Psycho" It's
just sufficiently run down, just sufficiently Gothic, just far enough
away from the motel, sitting at just the right elevation - one has
to climb steps to get to the house, which elevates the sense of apprehension;
it wouldn't be the same if you just had to "pop across the parking
lot" to reach it.
Why is it that an old house, looking more like a church or a castle,
fills us with more trepidation than a log cabin or an office block?
After all, the same horrific things can go on in the latter as in
the former, & HAVE done - so why is it the church or the castle that
give us the creeps? - Why?
In the face of all this conditioning, we can't just "re-invent"
our lives & suppose that such a strategy will be successful. There's
nothing we can actually DO in our present situation that will make
any genuine difference. What, exactly, would we base this "difference"
ON? How would we set about the business of defining the qualities
of difference? After all the years we have spent assembling our present
collection of sufferings, are we just going to go "back out there"
& re-collect the same stuff all over again? It's still the same old
wolf, just a different sheepskin jacket. These "strategies" aren't
entirely useless; they will certainly last for a time, maybe a long
time, but eventually, the jacket just gets too heavy, it falls from
our shoulders whether we want it to or not. We simply run out of the
effort needed to keep it on our backs. Once the jacket falls to the
ground, we're back where we started - ugly old wolf. The snag is we're
not going to SEE the jacket fall off. Sadder still, we won't see the
heroic woodsman slay the wolf, either. We don't "see" ourselves getting
better or worse, we are just what we are at any one moment - it's
all very frustrating.
The question remains - Why do we suffer?
Let's go back to the question of "wrong views". We would probably
all agree that it's a bit stupid to believe a thing is so just because
we are told it is so. If someone tells me that the moon is a small
lantern hanging in the sky about 30 metres above my head, I'm quite
at liberty to believe this, but my perception will run into trouble
when it impacts with the wider-held perception of what the moon is.
Likewise, if I'm told that a chocolate cookie is an automobile, I'm
at liberty to regard it as such. I can keep it in my garage & park
it in the front driveway on Sundays, but I will have difficulty attempting
to drive to work in it. These examples are facetious, but we proceed
upon similarly ludicrous premises for most of our lives. Our life
experience has been one of being told constantly by "other people"
HOW everything IS, & we have been believing them unquestioningly,
struggling to apply those directives to our situations ever since.
Looking for the culprit in all this, trying to find out WHO started
all the lies in the first place is hardly the point - such enquiries
just waste more precious time. It's sufficient if we've woken up to
the fact that everything is NOT as it should be, despite what we are
constantly being told & persuaded to believe. That sounds like such
a small thing, almost too insignificant to be taken seriously, a trite
observation - we point to polluted rivers & seas, damaged ozone layers
& shrinking rain forests & we say: "OF COURSE there's something WRONG
with the way things are! People would have to be half-witted not to
recognize THAT!" - Yet it still goes on, doesn't it? Globally, all
the data we've collected about the erosion of rain forests & the danger
smoking poses to health hasn't stopped the trees being clear-cut or
prevented the manufacture of cigarettes. WHY? - For the same sorts
of reasons that we KNOW losing our temper with people doesn't help,
that we are left with a horrible mess to clear up afterwards, & yet
we going on doing it - WHY?
We suffer so much - WHY?
For as long as our difficulties remain, this question will continue
to arise. Instead of constantly REACTING with "Why?" whenever our
thoughts & actions drive us into another corner, perhaps we should
USE the question "Why?" as a sharp tool to dig deep into the fabric
of our doubtful motives & blind actions. Our digging will be futile
however if we suppose that an answer already exists, & all we have
to do is find it. If it's an "answer" we want, the question is the
only answer we have.
Copyright © 2004 by Nigel Edmonds. All rights reserved.
